My first encounter with someone who wanted to talk about sex and, well, who had had sex, was at sleepaway camp. She was so casual in the reveal during truth or dare. I was stunned. Not only because I was sitting across from an actual human who had “done it” but also because she was so matter of fact about it. I basically asked her for a follow up interview about the sex. She agreed.
Later, we sat perched on the bottom bunk. “Tell me everything,” I began, which is a terrible opener, especially with someone you’ve only been bunkmates with a few days. But we were essentially kids and building rapport is so fast and furious. I was expecting to hear a lavish story. But her chill attitude didn’t waver much. “He just put it in,” she said while her hands motioned towards her crotch in an airport control tower kind of way. I pressed with so many follow up questions trying to find an angle in: what did it felt like, did you kiss, are you dating, did you do it again, and…what did it feel like?
She was kind and tried to answer my questions but couldn’t give me the details I was after. She had no shame, regret, or pleasure from the experience. He just put it in. I was (and still am) fascinated by her matter of factness about her first sexual encounter.
This conversation is a marker in time of when I first became interested in understanding people’s motives to have sex. Having written and studied sexuality for decades now, I often come back to thinking about this girl. How she had sex with agency, how she dismantled Christian and patriarchal power structures and how she refused to be shamed.
Am I assigning too much to her? Maybe. Maybe regret and shame infuse her as she gets older. Maybe even two weeks after we met. But I like to think not. In my mind she lives on as a sex goddess who had sex cause, “Why not? Stop making such a big deal about it, everybody. He just put it in.” In my mind she expands her sexual repertoire beyond missionary sex (much beyond) and is continually learning how she can experience pleasure. And when she comes upon a nosey question asker, she torts, “Of course, I came. But it’s not all about that. Next question.”
Sex coaching involves many questions and conversations. There is my curiosity and then there is my weaving of your stories to understand the complexity of you. The complexity and nuance of our identities are why having sex is ripe for multitudes of pleasure or turmoil. How do we come to understand what provides pleasure or turmoil? Well, practice. And a reflective attitude about sex and intimacy.
My first “client” or rather bunkmate did not have a reflective attitude about sex and therefore wasn’t that interested in discission. And that’s OK. Reflection is not a requirement for having sex (though I do think it will make you a better partner), but it is a requirement for hiring an intimacy guide. People who seek a sex and relationship coach are those who want to have a greater understanding of their intimate life. And truly, it is my pleasure to offer a space that fosters reflection on what motivates us to have sex or not have sex. When we are talking about sex we are talking about so many more things than just the act. There is a reason we use the term “sex life.” We live out many lives and many narratives under the sheets. So why sex coaching? Because you want to rewrite the narrative of your sex life.
Comments