Scenes From Surrogate Partner Therapy: Gaslighting and Trust
- Miranda Wylie
- May 29
- 2 min read
"I fear I'm being gaslit," she said.
Lainey was settling in the bed with the covers pulled up to her neck. She puckered her lips like sipping from a straw and released a slow exhale from her pursed lips, a nervous system regulating tool referred to as straw breath or a discharging breath that I had taught her months ago.
Though the agreed-upon plan was to cuddle in bed, I stayed seated on the stool near the bed until we cleared up what was going on for her. Gaslighting has become an overused and therefore diluted phrase in culture recently and it's a very real experience. Her perception is real, as is my intention. For me, it is a client session that I handle with professionalism and care. For her, she was playing out stories from her past and what it will be like to enter the bedroom of a potential lover.
Lainey has a history of not being believed or her experience being minimized, which leads to self-doubt and staying hyper-vigilant for someone to discredit her. While I moved around pillows on the bed, she chattered more to herself than me about an uptick in anxiety. She was having a whole internal experience that had little to do with me. And this experience landed in a fear that I was going to gaslight her because I inquired what had led to changing her mind.
Calmly I assured her, "This is not gaslighting. This is stating what happened and inquiring why. You were a yes when we were in the living room and now, in the bedroom you are a no."
She nodded. Took a straw breath.
"I'm afraid I look indecisive and flaky, and it will be a turn off."
"And you are anticipating anger in response to your change, yes?"
She nodded.
"You're expecting a voice that maybe sounds like this," and in an impatient, exasperated tone with a raised voice I said, "But you said yes!" and exhaled a sigh that carried the weight of an eye roll.
She nodded and took another discharging breath. I pursed my lips and took one, too. I shifted my energy, my tone softened.
"Let's consider some other options. What if I say 'You said yes in the living room and then when we got into the bedroom you said no. Is there something you need from me to feel safer or more comfortable to be a yes?' Or perhaps: 'No problem. Let me know if that shifts again. What would feel good now?'"
She reflected, "I haven't considered those options as even possible. Maybe I'm not giving men credit enough."
"The truth is you are being decisive. You aren't flaky. You were a yes and then you were a no. Your yes and no is decisive. It's possible what you fear as indecision needs to be reframed around pace."
Find out what happens next; the full story with audio recording on Substack.
Enjoy!
