What is the geography of pleasure? Where does pleasure live and how does it intersect with sex? Are the boundaries more fluid than fixed? Pleasure is more art than science and yet there are some things that remain steadfast pleasure centers. Janelle Monáe's album "The Age of Pleasure" invites us to ponder this geography, this Venn diagram of experience. Monáe (and many others) suggest that between eroticism and fucking lies pleasure itself – vast, varied, and vital. Yes, queue up “The Age of Pleasure” as you continue to read.

Finding Your Pleasure Map
Discovering what is pleasurable for someone is central in my work as a sex and relationship coach. When asked, "What gives you pleasure?" many people struggle to answer. Their hesitation, confusion, and anxiety reveal how disconnected we are from our bodies. Some clients laugh nervously, others grow quiet, many can't move beyond broad categories like "hanging with friends."
This struggle isn't surprising. We rarely ask about pleasure directly. Instead, we ask adjacent questions like "What do you like to do in your free time?" – which often elicits sarcasm ("Ha. Free time. I remember those days!"). But pleasure operates outside these time constraints. It exists in moments: the first sip of morning coffee, sunlight on your face, a bite of warm chocolate cake. It's not just spending time with friends, but the belly laughs, being seen, creating shared history.
We are living in the age of the attention economy where every scroll, click, and like converts to corporate profit, bombarding the average person with 5,000 to 10,000 advertisements daily. Because our attention is increasingly commodified, we find ourselves in a peculiar paradox: we are both more connected and more disconnected from our bodies than ever before.
The attention economy has trained us to exist primarily in our heads, in the virtual spaces between notifications, while our bodies become mere vessels for consuming content. After you scroll social media try and account for all that you took in? At minimum you experienced joy, anger, and sadness. Social media has brought me so much joy and pleasure. When I moved to Austin, TX in 2010, from Twitter my new community emerged. 15 years later, I’m still friends with many of these folks and mostly we are all off Twitter and the like. But I digress. This piece is not about social media as much as I want us to consider the attention economy in relation to our pleasure and bodies.
The attention economy framing is important because those 5,000 to 10,000 daily advertisements aren't just selling products – they're selling dissatisfaction, creating artificial needs, and pulling us further from our embodied experience.
Discovering Pleasure as Currency
What if we could reimagine this economy? What if, instead of measuring value in views and clicks, we measured it in moments of genuine pleasure? What if our attention was redirected from consuming to sensing, feeling, experiencing?
Pleasure, in its purest form, is our body's way of saying "yes." It's the warmth that spreads through our chest when we hear a beloved voice, when our dog eagerly greets us at the door showing off a toy (or in the case of my dog, a shoe), the tingle in our scalp during a head massage, the satisfaction of stretching after a nap. Unlike the dopamine hits of social media likes, these pleasures are sustainable, renewable resources that enrich rather than deplete us.
The attention economy and capitalism have conditioned us to define ourselves by productivity. But pleasure isn't productive. It resides in our body's quiet wisdom. As Janelle Monáe sings, "Baby, if you pay me in pleasure, I'ma keep it coming forever." - "Paid in Pleasure"
The journey back to our bodies requires unlearning:
The habit of constant distraction
The belief that productivity equals worth
The idea that pleasure must be earned, scheduled, or justified
My sex and relationship coaching and surrogate partner therapy practice is centered on this unlearning and discovering. Selfish Sexuality asks us to become self-involved as a way to embody and discover our pleasure currency.
The Practice of Pleasure
The exploration of pleasure as currency often begins with simple exercises:
Notice what makes you smile involuntarily
Pay attention to when your body feels relaxed and open
Observe what draws your attention and energy
Track what makes you feel most alive and present
Document the sensations that linger in your memory
These observations build our pleasure vocabulary, helping us understand the difference between what we think should feel good and what actually brings us joy. Pleasure isn’t built on “I should.” Pleasure is built on “I want.”
Sensual Versus Sexual
Sensuality occupies rich territory often conflated with, but distinct from, sexuality. It's physical pleasure independent of sexual desire – a celebration of senses enriching daily life. Consider the difference between a therapeutic massage and an intimate caress, or how dance can be purely sensual without being sexual.
Sensuality encompasses all the ways we experience pleasure through our senses: the feel of soft fabric against fingertips, the aroma of garlic and onions heating on the stovetop, the sound of rain when curled up in bed, the taste of ice cream melting on our tongue. These experiences engage our bodies fully without being sexual in nature.
The space between sensuality and sexuality isn't empty – it's rich with possibility. My clients learn to navigate this territory not by drawing strict boundaries that remain fixed, but by developing trust in their own experience. What feels sensual? What feels sexual? What feels like both, or neither?
These questions don't always have clear answers, and that's okay. The goal isn't to categorize every sensation but to expand our capacity for pleasure in all its forms. Again, pleasure, in its purest form, is our body's way of saying "yes.” And we have to learn the yes and no of our body in various circumstances and with varying people.
The Spectrum of Sensation
Touch exists on a spectrum from functional to sensual to sexual, but these categories aren't fixed. A hand on your shoulder might be comforting in one context, arousing in another, and grounding in a third. Learning to read these nuances in our own bodies helps us navigate intimate relationships with more clarity and confidence.
Through Sensate Focus exercises clients often discover pleasure in unexpected places:
The intricate texture of hands
The rhythm of their own breathing
The stretch and release of muscles during movement
These sensations aren't inherently sexual or non-sexual – they're simply experiences available to an aware and present body. It's present in every deep breath, every moment of connection, every instance of pure physical joy. As opposed to consumerism and capitalism, the spectrum of sensation and a pleasure currency operate on:
Abundance rather than scarcity
Renewal rather than depletion
Presence rather than distraction
Embodiment rather than abstraction
The Practice of Pleasure
Developing a pleasure practice is central to my coaching work. This involves:
Body Awareness
Regular check-ins with physical sensations
Noticing what feels good, neutral, or uncomfortable
Tracking energy levels and physical responses
Permission
Allowing pleasure without justification
Releasing guilt about enjoying sensual experiences
Making space for non-sexual touch and sensation
Expression
Finding words for different types of pleasure
Communicating preferences and boundaries
Sharing desires and experiences
The Art of Receiving
Perhaps the most challenging aspect of pleasure is learning to receive it fully. Many of my clients excel at giving pleasure but struggle to accept it. Through guided exploration, they learn:
To stay present during pleasurable experiences
To notice and release tension that blocks sensation
To accept pleasure as their birthright
To trust their body's responses
To communicate their needs and desires
Cultivating Pleasure
The journey to pleasure is both simple and profound. It begins with permission – permission to feel, to enjoy, to explore. Through this work, clients discover that pleasure isn't just about sex, or even primarily about sex. It's about coming home to our bodies, trusting our experiences, and allowing joy in all its forms.
Whether savoring that bite of warm chocolate cake or exploring intimate touch, the key is presence. When we're fully present, every sensation becomes an opportunity for pleasure, and the boundaries between sensual and sexual become less important than the experience itself.
To prioritize pleasure in a productivity-focused culture is radical (see adrienne marie brown's "Pleasure Activism"). It means claiming time for experiences with no "purpose" beyond enjoyment. This isn't hedonism – it's reclaiming our birthright as sensual beings, choosing embodied existence over virtual distraction or monetary consumption. It's recognizing that true pleasure, unlike manufactured desires, leads us toward wholeness rather than division.
So, what gives you pleasure?
Want to understand the geography of your pleasure?
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