As an intimacy guide I spend much of my time thinking about the complexities of human relationships and often one question stands out: where do I end, and you begin? This isn't a literal question pertaining to the physical body but rather a philosophical inquiry about boundaries and the ways we merge with people. Often in relationships (romantic or otherwise) we merge into the “us” and can lose track of the “me” and “you.”
Having an astute sense of self by way of boundaries is vital for healthy connection and deeper intimacy. Especially for clients who are chronic people pleasers or those who have experienced sexual assault, boundary work is the starting point of our sessions. By way of experiential exercises, we practice together the understanding of where you end, and I begin. While I won’t detail all the exercises here, in this post I will dive into what boundaries are, why they matter, and actionable ways to set and communicate them clearly.
If you are ready to practice understanding your own boundaries, fill out this short form to schedule an intro call. I’m here to be your guide as either a sex and relationship coach or surrogate partner therapist in the triadic model.
What Are Boundaries?
Boundaries define our personal space and limits in our emotional, mental, physical, and digital spheres. Boundaries are not necessarily rules, although they can be, but rather guidelines or guardrails that foster healthy relationships by allowing us to express our needs and preferences. Establishing guardrails helps us feel safe and respected in our interactions with friends, family, colleagues and romantic suitors. Without boundaries, we risk emotional exhaustion, resentment, and confusion.
Why Create Boundaries?
Two key reasons for boundary creation:
Avoid Burnout: Clearly defining our limits helps prevent overcommitment and burnout. This is key in a work environment and our social life. For example, attending four social functions in a week might leave you feeling cranky and drained. Knowing your unique balance of introversion and extroversion will preserve your mental health.
Cultivate Intimacy: Creating an open dialogue where both parties can feel seen, valued and understood leads to a stronger emotional connection and trust. Knowing the needs of your partner before conflict arises can lead to nurturing repair instead of misunderstanding, internalizing their behavior, and passive aggressive tendencies. A study found that couples who communicate their boundaries report being 60% more satisfied in their relationships.
Types of Boundaries
Emotional Boundaries
Emotional boundaries protect our feelings and wellbeing. They require us to manage our emotions and recognize that our feelings can be influenced by others. As a recovering people pleaser, I’ve learned that it’s essential to separate my feelings from someone else’s. Finding time to be in my body in stillness or movement allows space for me to individuate and understand my emotional state and potential boundaries needed. More on this here: How Yoga Improved Me Sex Life.
Mental Boundaries
Mental boundaries pertain to our thoughts and beliefs. They allow us to express opinions while respecting differing viewpoints. Around election time, it might be key to create boundaries for political discussion. Guardrails could be about who you have political discourse with and the length of time you are willing to exchange viewpoints.
Physical Boundaries
Physical boundaries relate to space, touch, and privacy. These guardrails might be fixed or fluid. You may always be uncomfortable with physical proximity or hugging or it might depend on the person or how you are feeling in the moment. As over a third of Americans opt for a "sleep divorce" you too may prefer to sleep alone and this would be a physical boundary important to discuss with a potential partner.
Digital Boundaries
With 70% of people reporting feeling overwhelmed by constant digital communication, creating digital boundaries is paramount to mental health. In considering a new relationship, here some questions to ask each other:
How do you like to communicate with your (texting, video calls, phone calls)?
What is the expected response time?
Do you use read receipts?
What of your life will be shared on social media?
These questions and more are increasingly important as our digital lives keep expanding.
Signs a Boundary Has Been Crossed
When either a boundary has been traversed or realizing one needs to be put in place you may feel:
Overwhelmed: If you leave a situation or dynamic feeling depleted you may need to create one of the boundaries listed above. Or it may be time to reevaluate the relationship entirely.
Resentment: Reflect on what aspects of your relationships cause this emotion. It may be that the person might not know what triggers you. Is there room to repair and express your limits? It might be something like, “Sometimes I am touched out and do not want a hug. Could you ask me for a hug before rushing in to embrace me?”
Recognizing these signs is the first step toward repair and reclaiming personal space.
How to Communicate Boundaries Effectively
Discussing boundaries may be uncomfortable at first which is why working with a sex and relationship coach to practice is effective.
Here are practical steps to create a space of mutual respect to communicate boundaries:
Use "I" Statements: To avoid defensiveness, phrase your boundaries in the “I” rather than “you.” As in, “I need 30 minutes of quiet time after work so that I can be fully present in our evening together.” Instead of, "When I come home you bombard me with conversation."
Be Direct: State your boundaries confidently and with ease. If needed you can explain why this boundary is important but devulging all your past history and trauma isn't needed.
Keep A Regulated Nervous System: Staying calm, present, and neutral can help conversations from becoming activated. It’s okay if you need to take breaks or come back to the conversation when you are more regulated.
Effective boundary communication allows for a rich landscape where intimacy can florish.
The Role of Self-Awareness in Boundary Setting
Know that resistance may happen in setting a boundary or in receiving one. Know that while your partner may need assurance from you, staying firm in your needs regardless of your partner’s needs will, again, avoid conflict and cultivate greater intimacy. This, again, is critical for people who have a learned trauma response of fawning, ie people pleasing.
As you work on boundary setting, remember that it's a gradual process. I suggest starting small by setting guardrails in less challenging situations to build your confidence. Be patient with yourself and others. Consider working with an intimacy guide like me to understand and then embody your boundaries. Knowing where you end and someone else begins enriches your relationships, promotes emotional safety, and fosters genuine intimacy.
Reflection question:
What do you require to feel safe and fulfilled in your relationships?
Ready to talk boundaries? Let's schedule a call.